“Sometimes You’ve Got To Put Together Everything You Love”—this was the line that came through me, galvanising me into sitting down with the loose sheets and entries of my writings before landing in this year. It could have been the title of my book until I sorted my work and discovered a number of books I could potentially birth in my lifetime should I accept these invitations. What followed the could-have-been title on the next page were these precious words: “To Know Who x What Sits As The Intersection.”
My work in these past years has been about uncovering that which sits as the intersection between psychology and spirituality. An acorn grows into an oak; and I? What will I become? Who is this human? What is this being?
The husband, on past occasions, told me that he felt something different about me the moment he walked in through the door. He sensed a change in the quality of space in our apartment before he saw my physical body. I am made of flesh and bone and I have an awareness that expands beyond my body.
What is “I”? Where does “I” end?
The more awake we are, the more freedom and ease we experience. This is the freedom resulting from autonomy. Our awareness is less focused on just the outside but it expands in flexibility to be aware of both ourselves, others, and the space around. We develop a field of awareness that is inclusive, not leaving out one for another.
Our habitual orientation is outward, moving reflexively toward what is external to us for safety and support, love and connection. When we slow down the frames of our daily life, we can begin to create some distance between our awareness and our experience to see the entities: the external stimuli, our inner experience, our reaction.
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” —Viktor E. Frankl
As we cultivate inner spaciousness to be more available to life, we get to reveal the inner workings of our experience, which includes our perceptions, emotions, physical sensations, interpretations, and historical identifications. A perception is the awareness of what’s internal and external, especially with our senses. An interpretation is the meaning we make out of our perception. E.g. Her brows are furrowed and her shoulders are tight (perception); she is angry, I should stay away (interpretation.)
Sinking deeper, we get to marvel at the complex if simple web of our psyche. Seen in this light, our personality exists as a complex web of connections powered by simple statements declared throughout our growing years. It was a wild ride when I first started seeing how a large part of my life ran on the program designed by my toddler and young self. I was subconsciously still reanimating lost dreams and fleeing from the monsters in my closet at the age of forty.
Imagine working on a jigsaw puzzle: it is easier when we have a large space to lay out the pieces and move them around to see how they fit each other. As we work with deeper parts of us, there can be more movement, and it is easy to get lost or swept in here without an anchor. This is where it is paramount to engage in meditative and embodiment practices alongside working with a peer, coach, or teacher. Being a part of a community doing the same work is exceptionally supportive.
Looking back at my labour, the idea begins to sink in: what a massive undertaking. Sometimes, I joke with the husband that while he is in his doctorate program, I am in mine too. I am going for a PhD in Self by studying myself, and in my study, I dissect, disintegrate, reconstitute, and integrate my Self. I have been on an iterative process to understand what the Self is through the study of my life.
The process of sorting and ordering my writings afforded me a chance for further understanding and integration of my own journey. Despite appearing haphazard in my choices, the life within me has a will of its own. As I learned to respect and honor it and move in accordance with it, I experience more trust in how things turn out for me.
From calling to purpose to mission
I hear the calling as a beckoning from without, and the purpose, uttered from the depth within. And here, a choice presents itself: will you align with this purpose, undertaking it as your mission?
My heart responded with awe at the command of my being; my body shrank with its habitual apprehension; my mind, still and clear, recognised the significance and the ancient code of fear and shame in my nervous system. The historical lack of guidance and the conditioned aloneness still feels alive in me despite its imaginary nature.
First, a human being, then comes doing.
I get to choose whether I want to accord my doing with my being. This is an exquisite and timely gift I have been given. My very struggle rests on my purpose to mend our fractured relationship with our nature. I recall the last piece of work with my teacher that brought me to a place of light and black space. A pulsating glow was felt in my core yet “I” registered it as something that was not mine. How intriguing. I identified as black space enveloping the glow but not the glow or the whole (i.e. space and glow.) The glow felt constant and enduring like it can go on forever. I sense no resistance toward it yet I get the impression that it does not belong to me?
Then, it struck. There is truth in my experience: the glow does not belong to me; Ego does not own Essence. What will it be like to live from this knowing as the glow? Does the glow become the subject, and space, the object or non-existence, or is the glow both subject and object, or neither?
How will you align your life to fulfill your purpose?
I had offered my whole self to the illusions I created; will I be willing to offer all of me in service of my realisation? There is deliberation and knowing: I am in the passage. I will continue to ripen and my fortune lies not merely in the harvest but also in being able to experience the movement of my soul.
I accept my mission. Light my way.
May we rest as the point (Who x What).
Leaning into my purpose to mend our fractured relationship with our nature, I am aligning myself with partners and communities to bring healing work to more people.
Upcoming event:
APR - JUN 2024: R.E.P.A.I.R. Program with Nested Integral Coaching Constellation
The REPAIR Program is designed for those who have been impacted by interpersonal trauma and carry a lingering burden of feeling disconnected from themselves and the world; as well as for professionals who support people who have been impacted by interpersonal or collective trauma.
I will be leading the cohort beginning on April 2, 2024. If you, or someone you know would like to be part of this healing journey, please reach out. You can read more about the program here, as well as apply. You can also sign up for a free information session.