“A genuine odyssey is not about piling up experiences. It is a deeply felt, risky, unpredictable tour of the soul. ” ~ Thomas Moore
Since launching my website in 2019, it has undergone three overhauls and countless iterations. The communication and design skills I have under my belt were inadequate before my impoverished mindset of myself. I knew neither what to say about me nor my work. The husband, on countless occasions, tried to help by asking me various questions in hopes of generating clarity, but they left me ever clueless and paralyzed.
The doubt of not knowing myself was debilitating. How could I, after all that turning inward, have gone further away from myself? I felt unbearably more lost than ever. Nobody told me that the journey of homecoming would be this devastating and alienating.
Of course, not everyone may share the same experience. If you were like me, blind to your-Whole-self and your worth, for most of your life, the process of homecoming can be very disorienting initially. As this Dandelion Note supports me in self-mirroring and reflection, I hope it offers you light and company.
On the way home, we begin to experience ourselves not just differently, but at times contrary to what we believed ourselves to be. This can create great dissonance and tension. In my case, I lost confidence in what I knew to be true and my ability to know the truth. My body and my mind were sending incongruent messages, resulting in emotional turmoil. Losing the sense of what’s real caused me to doubt my sanity.
“The journey is the thing.” ~ Homer
Let the mind be the sky that holds nothing
It can be difficult to truly know and appreciate something when we cannot define it. And to define something is basically to confine it within the constraints of our understanding. When something breaks the boundaries of our mind, venturing into the unknown, it is often not a pleasant experience because most of modernity relates to not knowing as a dangerous, anxiety-inducing experience. Then, we begin the play-small or play-big game to fit in and belong. What we attempted to fit into was basically the constraints we perceived of the group. Few of us want to be seen as out of place or as a threat in spaces we want to be a part of.
One of the idioms that my father often chants is “Jack of all trades, master of none.” That is how he sees himself, putting down his strong ability to learn and pick up new skills, forgetting the second half of the idiom, “though often better than a master of one.” And I was the apple that did not fall far from the tree, inheriting both his autodidactism and diminished assessment of it. The belief hidden in this idiom is that success comes from being a master.
Imagine trying to contain a Super Mario’s Super Star in a jar used to hold fireflies. That was what I did to myself. Well, I thought I was, at best, a firefly. Surprisingly, I can also be a moon, even a sun. I had mistaken my love to experiment and explore for a failing because it was perceived as a lack of focus.
Acceptance or rejection; desire or aversion; in no way does either affect my inherent value.
My website became a canvas on which I experimented with and reiterated my identity. A self-portrait constantly revealing how I related to myself and the world as I aimed at expressing myself wholly and completely.
Here are some of the beliefs I uncovered and released through my iterations:
The belief that to be authentic, I have to capture and show you all of me.
The belief that I have to show you only what you want to see.
The belief that what I offer is unwanted.
The belief that I am too much + the belief that I need to be only one thing so that people “get” me.
The belief that, no matter what I say, no one will understand me.
Integration and expansion—a movement toward wholeness AND receiving myself as wholeness.
Being Aware » Allowing » Accepting » Welcoming
When Innocence first met Power, she was afraid and turned away immediately.
Now and then, her head peeks out to look. And Power responds with a gentle, loving gaze.
As time passed, Innocence said to Power, “Okay, you can be here,” while still being tentative, keeping a safe distance from her. All this while, Power sat in patient abeyance.
One day, Innocence grew curious about Power and sat beside her, inviting Curiosity and Compassion to the conversation.
Recently, I threw a homecoming party for them both.
Don’t we all long for a warm reception?
When I expanded beyond my mental model of myself, it confused and intimidated me. Then, I projected it onto the world, thinking that people would react the same way toward my expansion. In wanting to keep myself safe, I was in the way of my becoming.
As I unpack and uncover more beliefs that I hold, I can ask myself if I am ready to let them go. Sometimes, I am not, and it is okay. And when I am, I open my palms and let the breeze weave through my fingers, carrying that belief away with it.
“Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.” ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
Live light, live lean. Live with what’s essential.
The latest invitation I received from the universe: Will I welcome my becoming? Will I trust that, no matter what I am and what I become, my expressions come from a place of innocent goodness?
Of course, I replied with a resounding YES!
I will be the loving, open arms of the future receiving the unfolding and becoming of the past into the present being.
I rest as the receiver and the received, celebrating the manifold expressions this life in me wants to display.
Tracing the roots of the word “display”, I stumbled upon the words “unfold, spread out, disperse.” How serendipitous! My unfoldment, on display, right before my eyes.
May you receive YOU with loving-kindness.
P.s.: You know what happens when Super Mario absorbs the Super Star? Invincible! For a short while at least. 😁
P.p.s.: And if you are curious about the latest iteration of my website, here it is: https://thespacetobe.co/