Openness: Judgement in Suspension
I often ask myself questions related to writing. My current fixation, perhaps. But what I am grateful for is what it opens me to. It may begin with writing, and most often reveals an insight to my evolving philosophy of life.
Will I stop writing?
I let the question steep like tea leaves freed in water. No response. Not a swirl.
I don’t know. An openness toward the unknown.
I wish I had answered “of course not” without missing a beat. Some internal judgment hovering around for having an answer or a position. Yet “I don’t know” was expressed in sobriety, not as a deflection but an inner knowing that I do not know. It feels closer to there-is-no-answer as opposed to I-do-not-yet-possess-an-answer. What will happen is not within my control.
Am I giving up my autonomy?
Yes and no.
I choose what life chooses.
What does that even mean? Are my actions reduced to sheer whims? Not at all. And even if they are, I see no fault in a life according with my fancy.
I find myself entertaining with calm clarity what were previously judged as radical thoughts . A certainty in “I don’t know.”—being certain in not knowing and not flinching. The image of Moses parting the Red Sea is conjured up in my mind. Not that I liken myself to such a godly being. Yet, the presence and energy I was just in touch with was a dauntlessness in the face of giant waves. The commitment to stay before the unknown creates a force field that is affording me the power to stay.
Before, I would be saying to myself, “It is okay to not know.” Right now, I feel my body as an expression of the okayness. Perhaps the Gayatri mantra playing in the background had been my holy aid in this experience.
I wonder about freedom. Am I experiencing freedom in this moment? I think it will be more accurate to say freedom does not seem relevant in this moment.
Was there not an ounce of fear? There was, and there was no wish to be rid of fear. If fear is integrated, is freedom still in question? I catch a glimpse of how radical acceptance leads to freedom. In radical acceptance is an allowing and openness to our experiences. Do not be too quick to determine something that is still forming. Give space, and suspend judgement.
Today, I’m going to go with the Old English roots of freedom:
freo: exemption from
-dom: judgement
Radical acceptance comes with a trust in conscience and an exemption from (inner) judgement. Nothing can really plague me. I am free. My presence and my attention, untouchable. My experience (my thoughts, emotions, and sensations), untouchable.
We cannot control our experience, and we fear what we cannot control. In this paradigm, we miss the opportunity of seeing that the free will of our thoughts, emotions, and sensations, is a form of freedom. There are things or parts of us that are ‘moving’ freely. Isn’t it fascinating that the life manifesting itself through these is so free? Beyond touch. Not even our own. Yet we try to clamp them down and change them. That said, we can direct our attention, influence our experience, partner with them to build ideas, create art, or more.
When we release what we think we know about freedom, it stands a chance to emerge. If it can be willed or wielded, it ceases to be.
It is a privilege that I, and you who are reading this, was not born into slavery. Yet, so many of us enslaved ourselves to imaginary ideals and expectations in our struggle to make sense of our existence or a mark out of it. Instead of trying to master our fate, what if we master ourselves and align with our destiny? And I use the word master with this meaning: acquire complete knowledge of. Well, at least as close as we can get.
Will I keep writing?
Inshallah. May my wish and commitment align with the greater will.
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Hello & welcome — I am glad you are here. I am Rosslyn Chay, an inquirer, poet, and coach. The Dandelion Notes are field notes on my process and learnings through my human journey as I go on a quest to mend our fractured relationship with our nature.
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