My Adventure into (Existential) Nihilism
“The condition of nihilism involves the shocking recognition that there is no overarching reason, order, or purpose to our existence, that it is all fundamentally meaningless and absurd.”—Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy
What if life is truly meaningless? What will it be like to let this thought land and reverberate as a pebble in my soul?
I have been swimming at the periphery of meaninglessness lately. Work still needs to be done; promises be kept; commitment be fulfilled, so I have not afforded myself space to be in the heart of the inquiry. It is certainly more present today. As I wandered down a few rabbit holes, I bumped into Mr. Nihilist. What will it be like to sit with him, or even as him? I’m also noticing my automatic meaning-making tendency has personified Nihilism as masculine. I wonder what that is about.
Nihilism is a combination of the Latin term nihil, meaning 'nothing', and the suffix -ism, indicating an ideology. Literally, it is an “ideology of nothing”.
Mr. Nihilist says, “Life is meaningless. There is no ultimate point to anything.”
I was dumbfounded; my mind, stunned; the muscles in my torso contracted tightly as though Mr. Nihilist had just threatened to deliver a punch to my gut. It’s hard to stomach his words, while a part of me leans over the cliff of the abyss, ready to believe.
Now, let’s back up a little, and slow down. I bet a true nihilist who contacts life through meaninglessness will not feel what I just felt. What I contact is my resistance. Is this really all there is to life? What lies beyond? Something still searches for hope that reality will be otherwise. If there is truly no point, if everything is fundamentally empty (of meaning), is anything real? This dash of desperation reveals my true question beneath my resistance to nihilism: what is real then?
Am I, is my existence, real?
I’ve leapt too hastily, and conflated reality with significance. Again, slow down…. Emptiness does not erase existence. Notice an old structure just got triggered there. Let’s stay on track.
What will it take to be Mr. Nihilist? Is he as ‘crazy’ as what mainstream society believes and describes him to be? What are ideas, dreams, morals, values, etc. to him? And what is a person without those? Is our humanity still intact? My curiosity is piqued. This adventure is revealing to me some hidden assumptions I hold around what I take to be me. For now, let me explore some implications of Nihilism.
The term nihil is also found in the word “annihilate,” meaning to “bring to nothing.” Sounds powerful, doesn’t it? The power was likely what colored my soul to assign it masculinity. The ability to bring something to nothing, to erase (non-physical) existence perhaps with a blink of an eye. Imagine each time you blink, and whatever meanings or metaphors you had in mind is wiped out, returning you to a clear-eyed seeing of what is.
If there is no point to anything, then what, and so what?
If there is no point, nothing I do really matters—
Again, let’s pause. Another trigger point and conflation. There is a self-image that is activated, of the young Rosslyn who is terrified that her actions are of no consequence to her mother. If that were true, her mother would not care about her existence, and her survival would be at stake.
So, again, let’s proceed.
If I were to consume arsenic, will I die? I will. So, my deed still matters. There is still cause and effect, just no affect. But this leads to another question: if there is no meaning to life, why would death matter? This is true only to the extent that I do not seek death. The active movement implies some meaning attached to it. Since death will come eventually, there is no point in rushing to meet it. Remember, no need to make any meaning of life, and life includes death. Through the eyes of Mr. Nihilist, existence itself—all action, suffering, and feeling—is senseless and empty.
Being a nihilist does not render me foolish or ignorant, my attention is drawn toward what-is in a pragmatic manner. What occurs in nihilism is a stripping away of the normative layer. Judgment is devoid of meaning; how you or I view me does not matter. I am impervious to critics, inner and outer, since they are empty. There is no need to care about anything, except paying the bills and putting food on my table. My stomach will not stop growling; the landlord will not stop collecting the rent, just because life amounts to nothing.
If there is no point, I can simply be. The morrow holds nothing, so there is no need to think ahead. Images about the future or the past are mere vapor; I will not bother to make sense of them. Attachment is absent since any form of connection is meaningless. I relate to people, person to person. Being friends, partners, family, bear no particular significance or responsibility. I am bound neither by social contract nor culture. Still, I will be law-abiding, not because the laws bear any meaning, rather, I do not want to risk losing my freedom being behind bars.
Things are a matter of fact, and I enjoy whatever is here right now. The absence of meaning does not remove the desire for the comfort of my animal body. Even the rejection to be in captivity is primal. I’ll move toward pleasure and away from pain in the most instinctual way. It certainly does not sound noble, but wait, I’m a nihilist now, remember? Nobility has no place in this, vanishing as it lands in the vacuum of meaninglessness. No dreams; neither fulfillment nor disappointment, only instant satiation.
There is something in a life integrating nihilism that is very tangible, immediate, and raw to the touch. Sensitivity is still present, along with the ability to explore the ether or be present in the now, without any reactions resulting from sense- or meaning-making. Reception to beauty is through aesthetic means, nothing more or less. With nihilism, I think and reason, feel and sense, while not being attached to anything. The mind becomes clear, vast space that holds nothing; infinite possibilities and flexibility in my views. The concept of self is descriptive—what is known to be true, without value judgement—instead of normative.
Oddly, there is cleanliness to what nihilism offers, an unperturbed objectivity that feels liberating. I recognize I have just placed a value-judgment on that. Out of the blue, this question strikes, what if nihilism counterbalances narcissism? If nihilism and narcissism are two ends of a continuum, what is the substance in the continuum?
Narcissism: There must be something here in and about me.
Nihilism: There is nothing in or about me.
The substance is Value.
The two concepts are attitudes toward inherent (true) value. Pertaining to my particular ego, there is a deeply ingrained association between meaning and value, i.e. meaning gives value.
What will be the reconciliation point? Framed in an alternative way, what needs to be restored?
The knowing of value needs to be restored. To know true value without embellishment or erasure. True value rests upon itself, as is, indifferent to meaning. Nothing can depreciate or appreciate that which is unchanging and indestructible. This opens the door to Essence. One can know oneself as courage (an essential quality) without further adornment. There is no striving to be when one is in touch with one’s true value. Standing as the truth—this that I am—everything that is not essential simply falls away. This, the power to be. No wonder my ego trembles, rightfully so.
My vision regains steadfastness and focus. My chest that felt empty, now resounds with the strong throbbing of my heart. Ah…let my heart be free from meaning.
🍯 The Dandelion Notes ~ Writer’s Fund
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Hello & welcome — I am glad you are here. I am Rosslyn Chay, facilitator, healer, poet—each of these, a very human attempt to mend our fractured relationship with our nature and free the truth of who we are from the weight of our history. The Dandelion Notes are field notes on my attempts.